#Buttstuff2016: A Comprehensive Guide of Everything Not to Do
Let’s get started, shall we?
1. Shame your partner
The first step to familiarizing yourself with the b-hole is to make your partner feel like total shit for even entertaining the idea of this primitive sexual act. Shame this Cersei Lannister for their curiosity and interest, and be sure to lie to your partner about wanting to try it because dishonesty and avoidance is the best policy for getting our needs met and building sexual intimacy. Who doesn’t want to venture into the world of the derriere without first feeling uncomfortable, ashamed, and embarrassed about expressing their desire? Definitely don’t discuss it first or talk about boundaries either because no one really needs to be on the same page or communicate – that’s a recipe for successful, amazing sex.
2. Stereotype it
On your search for pleasure, remember to express your disgust and previous prejudices about wanting something in or around your badonkadonk as equating to you being a low-class-gay-prostitute-slutty-porn star with a skat fetish. Also, be sure to spew closed-minded puritanical values on other people’s sexual proclivities. I know that nothing gets my engine revved as much as the rejection and judgement of my eroticism, on top of being labeled as a “freak who let me put it in her butt.”
3. Forget Lube
Dude, it’s probably going to be both comfortable and easy to have something large and dry inserted into your little keister. If experience has taught me anything, it’s that any finger, toy, or penis is going to feel delightful shoved into a tight, dry crevice with zero moisture. If you insist on using something, may I suggest chalk, sawdust, or sand. Also, don’t consider a butt plug or other toys that could help relax the salt shaker and prepare it for penetration. Anal without lube really seems like something that would keep me coming back, particularly after my rectum tears and prolapses – every girl’s fantasy.
4. Panic about poop
There might be poop, so you should probably panic. Listen, first of all…everyone knows that girls don’t poop, and it’s clearly the behavior of uncivilized neanderthals. After exiting a ring of secrets, it’s especially important to make the person feel small and rejected as a result of something foreign and irregular being put in their fudge factory. If you need more information on how to work through your misconceptions surrounding poop, there’s a profound novel filled with astute observations on the subject entitled, “Everybody Poops.” Truly riveting stuff that discusses poop being literally connected to butt-holes.
5. Do it Raw
When engaging in #buttstuff, make sure you skip the protection. AIDS, hepatitis, herpes, and a whole slew of other STD’s are all the rage and totally trending right now. My advice is to try and contract one, if not all…you’ll be the biggest thing to hit Coachella since molly water bottles toted by hula-hooping, flower-crowned, crop top wearers.
6. Knock it Before you Try it
Definitely write it off immediately and never consider it again. Our culture never imposes it’s weird methods of control through shame and guilt on our sexuality or attempts to dictate our relationships, behaviors, or decisions via conformity, media, or education, so I definitely encourage you not to educate yourself or look deeper into any of the long-held beliefs surrounding sexual expression and freedom. Certainly don’t check out books like Sex at Dawn, Mating in Captivity, or The Ethical Slut. And be sure to believe everything you see in pornography, tv, and on the internet.
Now get on out there and find a back door near you to do literally none of these things with.
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