Dr. StrangeTrump or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Don


Donald Trump. That name probably makes you shiver. Donald Trump, evil incarnate, who hates Mexicans and Muslims and women and who would probably bang his daughter. The man whose hair can only be explained through voodoo curses. Fuck that guy, right? He’s going to destroy this country through sheer vitriol and fascism. We’re doomed.

I was equally as horrified with Trump’s meteoric rise in popularity throughout the beginning of the primaries. I also thought this country was going to hell in a billionaire’s handbasket. The man is dangerous, I thought. It’s like the second coming of Hitler. Or Kim Jong Un. Shit!

Except, probably not. As time went on, I began to have my reservations about just how scary the guy is. Sure he’s a big ol’ racist, but, if anything, I see a massive outpouring of support for our Hispanic and Muslim brothers and sisters every time he makes some sort of intolerant statement. For every follower who shouts racist shit at his rallies, there are four more decent Americans who come out to publically condemn it. So, recently, I’ve come to realize I’m not afraid of Donald Trump. Not only is Donald Trump an endless comedy goldmine, but he’s also doing everything he can to help the Democratic cause. For that, I kinda have to love him.

To fear a Trump presidency is to be astonishingly cynical, and even I’m not cynical enough to believe Trump can win the election. Sure, he seems to have some pretty great poll numbers and that is a little scary. Until you realize what Trump is incredibly divisive within the Republican Party: in Iowa, he carried an unimpressive favorability rating of 50%. You either love the bastard or you hate him. He lost to Ted Cruz in Iowa. The guy even got a ton of nutty conservative viewers to turn on Megyn Kelly and Fox News itself! That’s a Breitbart article hating on Fox. Trump deserves at least some sort of award for that.

Plus, there are plenty of establishment and evangelical Republicans who want nothing to do with Trump’s obvious “I don’t know and I don’t give a fuck” attitude toward traditional conservative values. Donald Trump and his insanity won’t be able to unite a solid Republican support base, and that’s why he’ll never be the Commander in Chief of the US. Plus, Americans kinda just hate him in general.

The people who do support Trump? Well, to put it politely, they’re fucking morons. Seriously, Trump supporters are just across the board stupid. I’d offer an apologetic concession for my blatant stereotyping of a large group of individuals, but Trump supporters can’t read the first half of this sentence so that admission would be wasted. Not that I should have to apologize – isn’t this the kind of politically incorrect umbrella statement that Trump’s supporters worship him for constantly making?

I’ve heard the axiom “never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups,” but there’s a limit to how dumb a group of people can be before they lose the intimidation factor. Even Trump recognizes how idiotic the blind loyalty of his frothy-mouthed devotees truly is.

So Trump and his supporters don’t really scare me – they’re simply the inevitable culmination of years of vile Republican xenophobia and impotent irrelevance, laid bare for all of the civilized world to see and laugh at. Intelligent, independent, young, and once-apathetic voters are all taking a look at the debacle and saying “damn, I should probably vote so I don’t end up with that as my President.” Which, I would argue, is partly why Bernie Sanders is doing so well. So thank you for that, Donald.

But I’ll tell you what does scare me: the other Republican candidates. Here we have a group of experienced wolves in sheep’s clothing who hold many of the same beliefs yet are far better at hiding them in forms far easier to swallow for the undecided voter. In fact, some of the other Republican candidates are worse.

Take Ted Cruz. Ted is the ultimate example of a weasel politician with dangerous views that will do anything to get elected. But where Trump is easily identified as an obnoxious loon, Cruz knows exactly what he’s doing and sugarcoats his foul beliefs with cutesy little ads and sneaky, underhanded scare tactics. I look at Ted Cruz and shudder at the thought of the slimeball peeking through my window, let alone running our country. I’m far too terrified of him to really fear a goofy buffoon like Donald Trump.

The best way to deal with the more terrifying Republican candidates is simple: let Trump have them. Hell, just look at Jeb! Jeb Bush began the race as a Republican favorite, with many expecting him to be the establishment conservative answer to Clinton. What did Trump do? He beat the ever-loving shit out of his campaign and now Jeb Bush has as much a chance of being President as I do. Cruz is only beginning to get a taste of what Trump’s bullying can do to a campaign, and I cannot wait for the oily piece of filth to be smashed into political pixy dust.

I hope Trump gets the nomination. Or at least I hope he takes out the bigger assholes like Cruz and Rubio and Christie before he drops out in some anti-Fox whiny huff, content with his book sales. If he does get the nomination, hopefully liberals realize that Bernie Sanders has a much better chance of beating him than Hillary “I Was at Trump’s Wedding Clinton sure does. Until that final showdown against the Democrats, though, Trump will reign supreme as the Godzilla-esque King of the Monsters, come to wreak havoc among the other Republican abominations and reduce them to right-wing ash.

As Ken Watanabe once said: Let them fight.

I know which freakish lumbering beast I’m rooting for.