“Her mind is deliciously improper and her body is an aphrodisiac” -Alfredo Cano
Recently, a girlfriend of mine introduced me to an incredible author and psychotherapist who does extensive therapeutic and sexual work with couples. Both her TEDtalk and writings prompted me to think about our typical aversion to discussing sex, and what we want out of our sexual experiences. I have often been asked the age-old question, “what do women want?” In my experience, this is most often met with a dismissive, half-joking “women don’t know what they want.” Bullshit. I know exactly what I want, and if any woman tells you that she doesn’t enjoy sex, it’s because she hasn’t had the safe sexual space to explore her desires or she’s with the wrong partner. When the opportunity is offered to partake in a steamy conversation about sex with a group of liberated ladies, capitalize on it. You’ll learn that we’re a lot more open and aware of our carnal cravings than stereotypes have supposed and society has given us credit for. After chatting with lots of women, I’ve comprised a list of some pointers for how to open proverbial doors in the bedroom, backseat, or on the kitchen floor.
1. Know that all women are different
I’ve heard echoed an overarching consensus that we’re all the same. When it comes to sex, forget this perception immediately. Yes, we may share similar behaviors, desires, or emotional reactions, but our journey to orgasm is varied and unique for each of us. Emotional needs, intimacy, and attachment vary, ranging from the woman looking for an exciting bathroom quickie with a beautiful stranger, to the woman seeking commitment and the bond of a budding relationship. Physical sensitivity, kinks, quirks, and turn on’s are going to span the entire spectrum of sexual satiation. The quicker you realize that just because one woman loves anal and dirty talk doesn’t mean another does, the better lover you’ll be.
2. Communicate and Listen
Society has done a lot to scorn vulnerability and softness, but many of us remain deep, expressive creatures with much to share. Effort to create a secure space where we can feel heard and accepted, encourages us to surrender to sex and to be more open about sharing undisclosed desires and fantasies. On the other side of that, some of us prefer a more casual or flippant experience, uninterested in exchanging emotions. However, even if we’re only together for one night, patience and receptivity go a long way, particularly if you’re willing to listen and hold space to hear what we’re actually saying. This looks like true follow-through, i.e. if I ask you to spank me and pull my hair, spank me and pull my hair. Don’t be afraid to ask us what we like, it implies that this is a two-way street and there’s significance in the act of asking. Be patient, as there can be a lot of fear, guilt, and shame that have historically surrounded sex, so we’re all trying to function within a repressed landscape of sexual exploration.
3. Focus on Foreplay
I don’t know how this got lost in translation over the years, but please, please put in the effort to warm us up. I’ve taken home a dude solely based on his physicality and primitive sexuality, but this is rare, and most often foreplay is necessary and begins with chemistry, mental stimulation, and attraction. (Unless of course you’re slurring to the closest prospect at last call, ahem, college-self). Foreplay looks different for everyone, but there’s a few fundamentals, like pace and presence. Pace matters and if the moment calls for it (which many moments do) slow it down and actually pay attention to our bodies and their cues. In the midst of anticipation there tends to be a general overlook of certain erogenous zones (lips, nape of neck, hips, lower back, inner thighs) so it’s helpful to pay extra attention to these areas and experiment with different applications of pressure, technique, etc. Basically, don’t go straight for our nipples and/or clit with one-tracked vigor. Presence is important. A willingness to be in attentive in the moment, letting other distractions and thoughts fall away, only helps to intensify the experience and connection. It also lends the space to focus on the other person’s response to us. If we’re opening our legs to you, make sure it’s a smooth passage.
4. Exit Etiquette
Believe it or not, pornography is almost never an accurate portrayal of real life scenarios, so after the deed is done, be aware of the way you’re treating one another and the exchanges you share afterward. Sex is intimate regardless of whether we choose to view it that way or not and respecting your partner or partners matters. If the sex was good and/or you plan on doing it again, it’s helpful to be honest and share specifics with our partners of what we enjoyed and what we’d like in the future. Lastly, never underestimate the power of cuddling and pillow-talk…both are forms of foreplay and could always lead to another erotic romp.
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