Things I’ve Learned About Girls.

A short compilation of some interesting and useful information about the female gender that I’ve observed over the years.


  • Even the most ‘polite’ girls fart in their sleep.


  • When a girl makes it a point to randomly say “Ihate drama”, what she means is that she very often creates more drama than the cast of The Jersey Shore.


  • If you take a girl’s words at face value, then you’re probably retarded and you might not live to see your next birthday.


  • ‘Fake smiling’…they’re pros at that shit.


  • Alcohol makes them louder and screechier. If a girl is loud and screechy when she’s sober, don’t bring her to bars / parties. Send them to SigChi or something…


  • The male gender gets the infamous reputation for being cheaters, but girls cheat too. They’re just much better at hiding it. (Imagine a ghost having sex with a ninja…you’d never see it coming.)


  • Anyone of them is capable of being crazier than a shithouse rat, it’s just a matter of pushing the right buttons.


  • Hot gingers are as rare as unicorns, except I’ve seen unicorns.


  • When you think that a girl is just watching Mindless Menstruation Television like;

Gossip Girl,

Bad Girls Club,

Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and

The Real Housewives of Orange County


…what she is really doing is learning how to; rip a girls hair out, socially cripple the slut who was just talking to her ex-boyfriend, immasculate you in 10 words or less, and convince herself that pissing in public is cute.


  • Given the opportunity, most girls will go through your phone, your Facebook, your friends’ Facebook, your email, your twitter, your cat’s Facebook, your underwear drawer, your closet, your wallet, and your pockets.


…the upside of this? have some fun by leaving some flattereing or funny shit for her to find.


  • If she wears enough makeup to stain your shirt with a single hug, she probably isn’t going to look the same if and when you wake up next to her in the morning. So dont be surprised when you go to bed with Keira Knightly and wake up with Gary Busey.


  • When she takes 5 minutes to “pee”, it’s because she pooped.


  • Devil’s Threesomes.


  • A girl with Facebook access can more thoroughly stalk your life than Sherlock Holmes and Batman combined. No lie.


  • Bitches love Jenna Marbles.


  • Buying a girl a drink is like feeding a stray cat; If you’re not careful it wont be long before she’s living with you and shedding all over your house.


  • “If you love her, fuck her like you hate her.”


  • They don’t clean their rooms more that once a month, if at all…


  • Despite popular belief, not all of them can cook. And as a matter of fact, some are actually dangerous in the kitchen.


  • They’re better at eating junk food than Kobayashi is at eating hot dogs.


  • Even though it’s a game of chance, they generally suck at Rock, Paper, Scissors. And I know that doesn’t make sense but it’s true.


  • The good ones are hard to come by, so if you find one, lock her in your closet so she doesn’t get away.

Anthony Torres

Executive Director at
Anthony Torres

Latest posts by Anthony Torres (see all)