This article is for all teenage boys who are only just now discovering that the lingerie section in Kohl’s makes them feel a little weird. It’s awkward when you want to talk to and about the opposite sex but don’t know how. I understand, but I can’t really help. I’m 25, and my idea of flirting with a woman is writing an ellipsis on a piece of brown paper bag, sending it via carrier pigeon, and moving to a different state before that pigeon returns. I understand that I can’t be your role model, so I decided to find someone who can.
Naturally, I chose Donald Trump, since he’s the closest thing to Bruce Wayne we have. He’s rich, confident, wants to rid the world of crime, and probably has a few undiagnosed psychotic disorders. Plus, he actually claimed to be Batman recently! And check this quote out: “Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money.” Nice! The best part is that Trump said this about himself. This is the subtlety and confidence of a man who knows the fastest way to get a bra off a pair of breasts involves a Rottweiler and a blowtorch.
So without further ado, here’s some tips on how to deal with women according to the irresistible Donald Trump:
Tell them to stop having gross bodily functions.
“You’re disgusting!” – Trump, before running away, in response to a lawyer needing to take a break to use a breast pump
The female body, as you will learn in your Trump tutelage, is an abomination. So many weird, complex things are going on inside of a woman at any given time that the only reason we don’t harvest them for unlimited energy is because coal is THE American pastime. If that inexplicable activity isn’t actively producing revenue or deporting immigrants, it needs to stop.
For instance, Donald Trump somehow knows that women can lactate. What he doesn’t know is why, and it understandably upsets him. When Donald Trump reached the age when breastfeeding was no longer necessary, all women everywhere were given the order to stop producing milk. Apparently some filthy witches missed the memo. Considering that even mentioning breast milk in Donald Trump’s presence can cause him to flee from a room, I’m left to think that human titty secretion is his kryptonite.
“She gets out there and she starts asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions, and you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her… wherever.”
Because women are the spawn of Bolgothus The Wretched, they bleed from their vaginas once a month. As if this wasn’t repulsive enough, Mr. Trump knows that women also morph into uppity banshees during this foul monthly ritual. Thus, whenever a woman dares challenge a man with a question that isn’t “how’s dinner, dear?” she must be on her period. It is imperative that a menstruating woman be told to calm the fuck down by a more rational, sane being like Donald Trump, who is endorsed by sane, rational people like this guy:
Remind them that only their looks count.
“It’s certainly not groundbreaking news that the early victories by the women on ‘The Apprentice’ were, to a very large extent, dependent on their sex appeal.”
Donald Trump knows that only men can be successful using intelligence, skill, and hard work. A woman is only successful because 23.75 hours of her day are spent in front of a mirror and she knows 19 positions other than missionary. The ladies on Donald’s show The Apprentice were no exception. The only reason any female winners on that show weren’t told “You’re fired!” is because terminating an attractive woman is like throwing out the office plant. Though, I have to admit, I’m not really sure what sex appeal has to do with The Apprentice, since anyone who watched that show has eaten 133 times more baked potatoes in their lives than they’ve experienced an erection.
“Rosie O’Donnell is disgusting….I never understood – how does she even get on television?”
How a subjectively unattractive woman can have a career in anything that doesn’t involve the word “kitchen” is so perplexing and offensive to Donald Trump that he spends most evenings burning effigies of Rosie, Bette Midler and Arianna Huffington atop Trump Tower. Putting a woman who is any less than a 9 on television is like giving a howler monkey with a stutter its own radio show. Modern feminism is constantly trying to get rid of shallow bullshit like this, but Donald Trump knows the word “feminism” was invented on a Ouija Board in Hitler’s bunker.
Call them out on their feminine schemes.
“I have seen women manipulate men with the twitch of their eye – or another body part.”
You would be mistaken if what we’ve already covered makes you think Donald Trump underestimates women. On the contrary, Mr. Trump knows that talking to a woman without arming yourself with a Bowie knife, a nuclear weapon, and a net is absolute suicide. Women are ferocious, conniving creatures. It is actually more dangerous to be within six miles of a woman than it is to be digesting inside a saltwater crocodile.
“The other is the calculating woman who refuses to sign the prenuptial agreement because she is expecting to take advantage of the poor, unsuspecting sucker she’s got in her grasp.”
The best way to avoid the voodoo magic of the female is to tell her flat out that you know she’s a monster up to no good. Without the element of surprise, the powers of a woman are reduced to making sandwiches and dressing as French maids, as God intended. When you’re old enough, be especially wary of women who want to marry you; Donald Trump knows better than anyone that a woman interested in marriage is only doing it for the money.
Define their role in society for them.
“My big mistake with Ivana was taking her out of the role of wife and allowing her to run one of my casinos in Atlantic City, then the Plaza Hotel.”
Ivana Trump truly is an idiot. A person of respectable intelligence would not appear on shows like Ivana Young Man and Celebrity Big Brother. You may recognize her name, since NASA recently announced an anti-gravity vacuum simulation modeled after her head. But this made her perfect for Donald Trump, since, as we’ve established, a woman with any personality traits other than “boobs and vagina” is a Brothers Grimm tale. But Ivana’s biggest slight against humanity wasn’t her stupidity, it was the audacity she had in trying to be anything but Donald Trump’s wife.
Donald Trump is a humble man, though, and accepts the blame for allowing a woman to stray away from her predetermined role. It was his error, not hers. Being female, Ivana really didn’t understand that a married woman who doesn’t have the word “wife” flashing before her eyes 24/7 is legally insane. You can blame a woman for making a mistake as much as you can blame a dog for eating chocolate. They just don’t know any better.
Luckily, Donald Trump has learned from his mistakes. This is why we don’t see much of Donald’s current wife, Melania. Also because of Mad Max: Fury Road. Donald Trump took one look at Immortal Joe and his captive brood-wives and said, “Yes, that is exactly what having a wife should be like.” Melania now paints the words, “My Sons Will Not Be Trust Fund Douches” on the walls of her cell.
And with that, class is dismissed. Now go forth, young men! Be confident in your new found wisdom! Go out and treat women the way a serious candidate for President of the United States treats women! Go out and Trump ‘em good! Be sure to send me postcards from jail or the Men’s Rights Activists’ meetings you will surely be attending in a few years! Godspeed!
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