Dear Hiring Manager at Ideal Conceal,
I recently came across the news of your exciting new smartphone gun and immediately knew that it was time to switch-up my career goals. This product clearly displays your company’s stark shortage of ethics and decency, and that is exactly what I’ve been looking for in my daily work environment. It’s the kind of corporate ambition that I’ve always dreamed I’d be a part of; the kind that has absolutely no foresight or regard for the obvious consequences of incredibly irresponsible decisions, and all for the sake of making a buck. The fact that you looked at America’s already crippling gun violence problem and said, “Wait, how could we make this way worse and profit off of it?” spoke to my corrupted soul.
I feel that my own lack of human virtue would make me a perfect fit for the culture at Ideal Conceal. I’m imagining hanging out with your CEO and discussing the awesomeness of Donald Trump, attending company barbeques where charcoal-grilled puppies will be served as hors d’oeuvres, and filing unending barrages of lawsuit memos into the Outlook spam folder. It’s sometimes difficult to find real, unabashed monsters in this world, and I would be loath to miss the opportunity to work for them now that they’ve so generously revealed themselves.
You will find that my greatest asset is my ambition. I applaud Ideal Conceal’s valiant quest to make it that much easier for bad apple police officers to shoot innocent kids for contrived reasons. I can hear the cops already: “He was answering his cell phone so I had to shoot him! How the fuck are we supposed to know the difference anymore?” Incidents like this will be all over the news. Genius marketing! But I feel the company can aim higher, and I am confident I am the man to bring the necessary ideas to the table.
Just a few concepts I already have in mind (please don’t steal them): The Tactical Nuke Pen with a six block blast radius. Simply click it and reduce a good chunk of your city to smoldering radioactive ash. That’ll teach those fuckers at the office to talk behind my back around the water cooler. We can model it off of those slick fountain pens you get at retirement parties or something.
How about wallets and clutches that are actually IEDs? We can call the line “Dolce and Gabomba” or “Gucci: Shrapnel Collection.” Chic, trendy, and stealthy! Similar to a gun shaped like a goddamn cell phone, it’ll be easy to get them into schools, hospitals, airports and churches without anyone noticing. Because, really, what exactly are we aiming for at the end of the day other than carnage?
Now, obviously the cell phone gun is marketed to people with serious personality disorders, but the fact that it’s designed to resemble an iPhone is an obvious selling point to millennials. This will really be great in blurring the lines between selfie and attempted suicide. But why not go for the even younger crowd? Preteens are a huge consumer base nowadays. Just look at the continued success of Justin Bieber. Also consider the fact that 90s nostalgia is still inexplicably “in” at the moment. I humbly suggest we combine these two market factors and revive the Tamagotchi fad, only this time if you forget to feed the damn things, they unleash high concentrations of sarin gas right from your pocket. Neat, right? I know the idea of dead toddlers isn’t something that keeps you guys up at night.
I didn’t bother attaching my resume, as I’m afraid nothing in my professional experience would effectively demonstrate my shattered moral compass enough to impress you folks at Ideal Conceal. I have, however, attached industrial fireworks to live, innocent forest critters, and I will send you a video of that heartwarming adventure in a follow-up email. I hope your sick piece of shit CEO enjoys masturbating to it.
I’m also proficient in Microsoft Excel and have an outstanding phone etiquette.
Please feel free to schedule an interview by adding your name here or looking up the number here.
Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you!
See you in hell,
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