The internet is a magical place full of generous, heroic souls looking to make a difference in the world by offering free advice on every subject, from dating to career success. Unfortunately, these good Samaritans of the interwebs are often tragically unqualified to be offering any advice other than how to drink out of a straw. So with Christmas rapidly approaching and the last-minute shopping desperation creeping over many of us, the internet has responded by vomiting countless “Perfect Gift Idea” articles to alleviate our lack of imagination and surplus of procrastination. These are just a few suggestions I found written for people who have no idea what to buy for their boyfriends, but written by people who absolutely despise their goddamn boyfriends.
A “DIY” Tie Phone Case
Psychopaths will love this simple, DIY gift, as it allows you to spend absolutely zero money on your bf AND allows you to destroy the clothing that he spent money on. “Merry Christmas, here’s a negative return on your investment!” That’s right ladies: cut up a tie he barely uses to fashion a phone case he’ll never use. You know something else he doesn’t use? His appendix. If you cut that out of him, you can stretch it over a bowl, let it dry, and suddenly he has a cute little Christmas drum! Awww! Seriously, unless you’re a Florida resident or your boyfriend wears Jerry Garcia, there is no excusable reason for you to be shredding up his ties.
Man Meets Stove
A cookbook for men who don’t know how to cook. Cute. “Merry Christmas, sweetie! By the way, I still have the shits from that omelet you made two months ago. Here’s a cookbook you incompetent fool.” The website that listed this as a great gift idea also claims “It breaks things down into easy steps and also talks to guys on a level they can understand.” What kind of men is this author dating that a regular cookbook qualifies as advanced literature? Look, if your boyfriend needs to dumb down a cookbook in order to understand it, then the only thing he should be getting for Christmas is a breakup text. Make sure you use small words and an abundance of emojis so his tiny brain can comprehend what’s going on.
An Acre of Land (On the Moon)
I’m sure there are actually guys who would want this, but I’m also sure that they masturbate while watching 9/11 conspiracy theory videos on YouTube. The package even comes with a deed, as if purchasing property on a celestial body was a legitimate, important real estate venture that international corporations somehow missed but Joe in the trailer next door totally lucked out on after his girlfriend ordered it online. It’s actually a perfect gift if you want to make your significant other look like a complete loon: next time there’s a moon landing, he can go storming into NASA waving his new moon deed screaming “You can’t park there! That’s private property!” Next Christmas you can get him some spiffy decorations for his straightjacket.
Butt Face Soap
This adorable soap has two sides that are color-coded and labelled to indicate which side should be used to clean your face and which side should be used to freshen up your fecal-flecked ass fissure. Because in 2015, there are still people who haven’t heard of facewash. This gift raises far more questions than it answers: Are you actually dating a guy who uses the same bar of soap to clean his asshole that he uses to clean his face? If yes, then why? Do you wear a protective mask when you make out? Which side does he use to wash his balls? Does this prove the inevitable, approaching doom of our dead-end species? Is this the War on Christmas they keep talking about?
A mug that holds coffee AND cookies!
Gasp! Not only does this mug have a face, but it holds two awesome things! Sure, it looks pretty cool, but let’s go through the logic of this one together: At 6:30 AM, your boo wakes up, desperate for a cup of coffee. He brews and pours himself a cup. But wait! He’d like a few cookies for breakfast too, because diabetes is a myth started by a Trader Joe’s shareholder. Now, he could just grab a few cookies and put them on a napkin or plate. Or, pay attention, he could load them into the mouth of this perpetually screaming coffee mug’s mug, worry about them falling out while he sips the coffee, and then struggle to unload them when he’s ready to eat! Wow! Because the one thing he needs in his morning routine is another pointless, stupid hassle.
TV Dinner Tray
Take a journey back to a time when men would return from work to plop in front of the boob tube while their battered wives prepared cafeteria food in the microwave and flavored it with their tears. Perfect for the couple that has given up on absolutely everything, yet somehow still has the money to waste, the TV Dinner Tray costs $24 when a microwavable plate that doesn’t make you look disgusting is like $6 at Kohl’s. This present pairs great with a few sleeveless T’s, a 12-pack of Budweiser, and a subscription to Maxim. Oh, and don’t forget the moon deed. This Christmas, you can give the gift of class to your sweetheart. He deserves it.
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