Growing up I was under the impression that sex is what happens when a man and a woman love each other and want to consummate a monogamous relationship. Anyone who deviated from these ideals was a person of ill repute.
I am now on the brink of 23, living in New York City, and I have a bit of a different outlook on many former taboos in my life. Although my timeline is peppered with engagements and birth announcements from high school friends back home (south of the Mason Dixon), the dating culture here seems to skew towards the more casual.
I recently met an extremely intelligent, successful man with a wide breadth of sexual encounters and progressive views on feminine sexuality. Armed with questions from my friends and myself, I reached out to him for a male’s perspective to shed some light on dating in modern times.
In short, he wasn’t interested in being interviewed and to speaking on his dating and sexual experiences. While he agrees that the double standard set in place for male and female promiscuity is unfair, so are most things in life. I entreated him to help me with this interview in hopes that he could explain why guys really ‘ghost’ and how dating apps perpetuate this phenomena, or if sex on a first date really renders a girl unlikely to be girlfriend material.
In truth, it wouldn’t have changed anything had he answered the questions that had run through my mind and my friends’ minds. One man’s opinion based on his own empirical findings won’t debunk every myth surrounding dating’s “do’s and don’ts,” nor will they grant any clarity as to ‘what the enigmatic HE really thinks when you do/wear/say/sleep with him.’
No, there is no magic number of dates to make a guy hold out until you sleep with him. Yes, there is a difference between fornication, sex as a gesture between two bodies, and meaningful sex between two people with a connection. Forging this connection can be seen as anecdotal, and certainly, it can’t be broken down into one simple Buzzfeed article.
This is a letter to all of my friends who have wondered how and where they messed things up. There is no “messing up” in affairs of the heart. It’s always a learning and growing process. As time goes on, you might reveal aspects of your personality that are less conducive to the happiness of the person you’re interested in, and that’s okay!
Losing the guy that finds too many faults in you instead frees you up for the one that loves you for everything that makes you unequivocally YOU.
Although I was hopeful to use this platform to leverage a unique male perspective, I think we’re better off without it. Let your freak flags fly and figure out for yourself what works for you. Until they unveil a magical love elixir or a fool-proof “5 Steps to Finding Romance,” stick to drinks on a first date, and ultimately, trust your instincts.
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