The Problem with Hook-Up Culture

The only thing close to hooking up for me was with The Dude. He was of average height with golden skin, dark hair, and sweet eyes. He was toned in all the right places. He was confusing and he pissed me off. I was a different person when I tiptoed to his apartment in 2014 with a bun on my head and sleep in my eyes. His room was messy and I knew I wouldn’t sleep with him. He taught me how to kiss and I was no good at it. He kissed me, and it was okay, but I wasn’t feeling much on the inside. He pulled me onto his lap and the room started to smell like pre-cum. I wasn’t sure if it was him or me or both of us. I don’t remember whether or not I was getting horny. I just remember I couldn’t stop thinking. I didn’t like, how when I spoke too loudly, he would shush me because his roommates were asleep. I hate being shushed and it made me feel like I was a dirty secret he didn’t want his friends to know about. I remember that, he suggested we take our shirts off. I was hesitant at first, but ultimately agreed, if he took his off first. I wasn’t wearing a bra so there was no hiding anything. I liked when he kissed my neck and taught me how to do the same. It made me feel more real, more human. Like my skin wasn’t poison ivy. He showed me different positions we could do later, once I was ready to give my virginity to him. I knew I wasn’t going to give my virginity to him. Not to someone who kept their room so messy. After awhile, he laid on top of me and kissed me. Our teeth kept colliding and at some points it was all too much for me and we had to stop and take a breather. At some points I was feeling violated and used, like I was nothing more than a body, and not a mind. I remember him placing his head on my chest and that was nice, because I felt safe. In the end, he grinded on top of me and I slowly but surely felt my walls come down and understood the beauty in two bodies interconnecting. I started to get turned on but I still didn’t want to sleep with him. After, I wanted him to ask me to stay but he didn’t. And I don’t think anything was to ever come of it. It was then that I realized that I wouldn’t be the type of person that enjoys hooking up, but that I would need the physical intimacy coupled with care.

Hook-up culture is roughly defined by the American psychological association as brief uncommitted sexual encounters between individuals who are not romantic partners or dating each other. Generation Y has taken a particular liking to this form of dating and with things like Tinder, Instagram, texting, and Snapchat, finding a casual sex partner is easier than ever. Traditional styles of  dating and monogamous relationships are rapidly being replaced by 2. a.m. booty calls and clumsy one night stands. With modern media culture continuing to dominate the way in which we think, act, and feel, it is harder than ever for my generation to get a grip on what exactly it is we are looking for in a relationship. The problem isn’t casual sex between two consensual partners, it’s the casual way we are thinking and going about sex that is. Here is the real problem with hookup culture.

It Should Not Make a Woman Feel Powerful

We have come a long way since the Betty Crocker, happy housewife, women’s movement age. Women are now seen as equal to men and treated so. The only real issue that seems to continue, no matter what generation or time period, is our relationship with sex. We women are either having it too often or too little, and no matter which one it is, we are made to feel ashamed of it. Let’s be honest: we want to fuck a man, he’s all for it. We want to fuck all his friends, too, not so much. Slut shaming has become a big topic on media platforms, such as Tumblr.

Slut shaming, to put it shortly, is the act of chastising a woman for enjoying lots and lots of sex, most of the time with multiple partners. There is no problem with that, really, girls, have all the sex you want. The minute it becomes a problem is when it becomes bragging a right. When a woman thinks the more sex she has, the more sexy she is, the more sultry she is, the more alluring she is, is the minute she’s got it all wrong. Sorry to put it harshly ladies, but having sex with a lot of men doesn’t make you special, it makes you easily attainable. Your body count should not be the source of your confidence and quickie sex shouldn’t be what you seek in order to cure loneliness and feel loved. Men everywhere are cheering on our ‘slut shaming’ movement. Yeah ladies! Go for it! There is no such thing as a slut! I don’t need to work hard for you! Why have the steak when the burger is right in  front of me and will be ready in seven minutes or less!

Women should be gaining power from things that don’t require a dick. Such as education, activism, self-discovery, travel, careers, friendships etc. The last thing you should seek to feel validated is a dick and you should not feel as if you are an easy fuck. You are valuable and so is your body and what it has to give. It is your diamonds and your trophy and should only be caressed by hands that know and respect you.

It Should Not Make Us Half-Assed

DTF, also known as down to fuck on such insightful and intellectually stimulation shows as Jersey Shore, is a term sometimes used to refer to someone that is willing and ready to engage in casual sex. DTF in my opinion has got to be one of the most degrading ways in which to inquire someone about sex. Our tech-savvy generation has gotten so used to click-clickity clicking our way through life on our smart-phones and tablets, we have forgotten the proper, respectful way to ask each other to be intimate.

No, men, there is nothing sexy about calling a woman at 4 a.m. and asking her what she is up to. And no, ladies, there is nothing cute about drunkenly texting a guy telling him you want to fuck him. Are we really starting to treat sex like it’s something you can order at Papa John’s on a lonely weeknight? Is sex becoming the new Wifi? Quick and easy to find? Are we really flipping through strangers on a fucking app, judging them by something as shallow as a 5-year-old Facebook photo as the criteria of whether or not we want to fuck them? If we want to have a lot of casual sex, we need to do it the mature way and stop hiding behind technology. We need to stop playing games and stop trying to be the “cool, less involved” one. We need to stop reading messages and purposely replying an hour later. We need to stop with this angry, unfulfilling process we are using to go about inquiring sex with each other.

It Should Not Be An Excuse For Us to Objectify One Another

I think the one thing my generation needs to remember is that not everyone is hooking up. Actually, more people are probably alone on a Friday night taking care of themselves than with another person. We are so bombarded, however, with songs, T.V. shows and movies that project the idea onto us that everyone is hooking up, we think it’s the only form of relationship or physical intimacy achievable. But there are tons of people not participating in hookup culture. We can not just go around treating people like they are open season for our sexual desires. We need to stop being so uncomfortably forward about sex right off the bat and stop assuming the person we are talking to is as open to casual sex as we may presume. What I mean is, we need to stop using apps like Tinder and Snapchat as a feeding ground to objectify one another. I was once, as a black woman, sent a message from a guy on Tinder that basically said he had a taste of ‘jungle fever’ and wanted me to be his first black experience. Needless to say, I deleted the app. Let’s stop hiding behind technology like a bunch of prepubescent middle schoolers. If you wouldn’t say something like that to someone to their face, don’t do it on a stupid app.

Regardless of this hick-up in our culture sex remains a beautiful thing and there are a lot of Generation Y’ers that long to experience it in it’s purest, most vulnerable form. Let’s keep it beautiful. Let’s keep it iridescent.


Kendra Frazier

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