How many times have you heard, “I have been hurt so many times, I can’t let my guard down,” and then like a bad romantic comedy, we hope that someone will break our walls down by doing what we perceive as the “right thing,” something that will lead us away from fear but to a place of love.
I’ve always been very upfront about my past relationship, so no reason for me to lie now about the abuse . I was emotionally beaten to a pulp yet majority of the time I still blamed myself. I thought I was responsible for what he was saying but also for not having the courage to walk away. I made the mistake many women do, I loved him for what I thought he could be. I know the assumption that lies with that story, that I have no self respect, that I obviously must be desperate and ultimately weak. Why else would I stay in that situation?
After that experience was when the barrier went up. I thought if I built a wall I’d be strong enough, and only the “good ones” would get in. Quite frankly, it made me appealing for those who love the chase, rather than those who are “ready” for something real. I understand the concept of making a man work and wait for it but men who can understand what they have, will appreciate what they have now, versus what they don’t. Dogs chase but a champion, a champion recognizes the prize he has.
Truth is, we all possess the answer, we just seek reassurance for it elsewhere hoping that we are wrong. My past is no one’s fault, not my own nor my ex’s. I’m to blame however, if I use it as a reason to not move forward and trust me, I have. I’ve used every reason to believe opening up can lead to my demise. Experiencing new moments are more important than experiencing the fear of being hurt again.
Emily Dickinson once wrote, “Why not live a big life?” and I don’t know the point of having a heart that is capable of loving and never letting yourself love or be loved. The last person took you for granted, you have to remember not everyone you meet will have the same intentions.
We are all trying to figure out who we are as life chips away at us, molding us into the person we are meant to be. It took me loving without expectations for me to wake up, I had to learn that I deserve love, not only from a relationship but from myself. There is something incredibly wrong with limiting your tomorrow because of how your yesterday turned out.
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