Some people ask a lot of questions when trying to decide which candidate to vote for, like, “Do they have the same values as me?” or, “Would they make a strong leader?” or, “Will they do something about all these filthy immigrants?” Not me. I only ask one question, and that question is, “Which celebrities are going to vote for them?” For me, it’s less of which candidate I think would best represent me, and more of which famous person I want to be philosophically affiliated with. No one wants to be the simpleton that voted the same way as Topher Grace!
So, as we draw closer to the one year countdown to the next Presidential Election, I decided it was time to check out the Wikipedia pages and to see which celebrities were endorsing which candidates and to give me an idea of what kind of people I’d be associated with if I voted a certain way. Here’s what I found.
Endorsed by: Kid Rock, Mickey Rourke, Roger McGuinn, Richard Petty
Boy, do Ben Carson fans love them some goofy hats. I’m not even sure if these are four unique dudes. It’s like the evolutionary stages of a Pokémon, except evolving to the next stage requires increasing amounts of bourbon and cocaine instead of a thunder stone. That sounds like a good time to me, so maybe I could vote for Ben. Then again, I’ve never been to a Texas rodeo and I (hopefully) don’t look like the kind of guy who sits in a titty bar at 10am on a Wednesday sweating through a confederate flag t-shirt, so I don’t think I fit in with the Ben Carson crew. Shit, judging from these pictures, I don’t think Ben Carson fits in with the Ben Carson crew.
Vote for Ben Carson if: hearing “Sunday school” and “moonshine” in the same sentence makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Endorsed by: Lincoln Chafee
Lincoln Chafee is that guy who kinda resembles the alien from Mac & Me and only made it into the Democratic Debate because 1. CNN had to meet an Old White Man quota, and 2. someone needed to keep Joe Biden’s podium warm in case he decided to run. Seriously, Lincoln Chafee isn’t even listed on the Wikipedia page. That poor bastard.
Vote for Lincoln Chafee if: you are Lincoln Chafee
Endorsed by: Chuck Norris
Say what you want about Mike Huckabee; that he has defended child molesters and religious bigots, made plenty of racial comments, or used his elected position to intervene when his son faced charges for murdering a dog. None of that matters, because the mighty Chuck Norris loves the guy (a manly, straight love; Huckabee and Norris hate gays). Could this be an indication of how wrong we’ve all been about the Huck? Oh, damn. Chuck Norris knows some Korean and practices Korean martial arts. If Mike Huckabee has taught me anything about Koreans, that means Chuck Norris eats dogs. Seriously, what the fuck does the Huckabee camp have against dogs? Jesus, guys.
Vote for Mike Huckabee if: you are confused about your feelings for Lou Dobbs/are a cat person.
Endorsed By: Craig Crawford, Andrew Bacevich, David Saunders
I don’t know who these people are. If Jim Webb is as confused a person as he appeared to be at the first Democratic Debate, he doesn’t either. It’s like Wikipedia redefined the word “celebrity” just to make Jim Webb feel better about himself. You go, Jim Webb. You go.
Vote for Jim Webb if: you waited 10 minutes for this article to load.
Endorsed by: George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush
Jeb’s celebrity supporters are limited to a retired NFL player and a former director of some unknown government branch, which is kinda depressing considering he was supposed to be the Republican frontrunner. I was about to pass him over for his shitty performance in the celebrity endorsement department, but what about GW and GHW? I’m not sure why Wikipedia wouldn’t list two former Commanders in Chief as celebrity endorsements. Maybe because no one really wants to vote for Jeb Bush except his family and even the editors of Wikipedia feel a sort of secondhand embarrassment. Well, I’m not about to be affiliated with the brother and dad of a total loser, no matter how gloriously successful they were as Presidents.
Vote for Jeb Bush if: you recently shared a nostalgia piece about the early 90s or early 2000s containing more than twelve spelling errors.
Endorsed by: Jay-Z, John Travolta, Barbara Streisand, Jack Nicholson, Scarlett Johannsson, Elton John, Morrissey, Tom Hanks, Reese Witherspoon, Lady Gaga, Jamie Foxx, George Clooney, Lena Dunham, Jon Bon Jovi, Kim Kardashian, Ben Affleck, Mila Kunis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Beyoncé, Matt Damon, RuPaul, Kanye West, etc.
Man, I’m so sorry to all the hipsters I just killed by listing those names together. Should have put a trigger warning. Mainstream, rich Hollywood will always support the mainstream liberal candidate, especially when that candidate adores money and the status quo just as much as they do. Hillary will have as many wads of cash, Golden Globes, Oscars, and Emmy Awards thrown at her as she needs to ensure the Democratic nomination, because that Bernie Sanders guy is fucking terrifying with all his “tax the rich” talk. I have the necessary hypocrisy, but I definitely don’t have the money to associate politically with loaded Hollywood A-Listers. Oh, and if Lena Dunham thinks something is a good idea, it 100% isn’t.
Vote for Hillary Clinton if: MTV told you to.
Endorsed by: Seth McFarlane, Lil B, Jackson Browne, Tommy Chong, Willie Nelson, literally all of Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Maher, Justin Long, a majority of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Danny DeVito, some of System Of A Down, Sarah Silverman, Will Ferrell, Dave Matthews, John Cusack, Billie Joe Armstrong, etc.
Bernie Sanders likes to brag about how he can’t be bought by corporations, which becomes weird when you realize that the entire illegal cannabis industry is supporting his campaign. If the collective THC levels of just a few of your celebrity supporters could put a small country into a coma and give the bordering nations the munchies, you know you’re one radical dude. #FeelTheBern #coughcoughcough #goodshit. Bernie’s greatest hurdle will be getting his advocates off the couch to vote for him, and as far as I know they don’t offer Doritos at the polls. I like a lot of these musicians, and the actors and comedians are all pretty cool people. Alas, weed really doesn’t agree with me and I’m not sure I want people thinking I’m a dirty hippy for aligning with Neil Young, so I’m gonna go for a soft pass on this one for now.
Vote for Bernie if: you’ve ever owned a Bob Marley poster/watched more than one George Carlin video on YouTube.
Endorsed by: Dennis Rodman, Gary Busey, Hulk Hogan, Ann Coulter, Ted Nugent, Terrell Owens, etc.
Now that’s a fucking lineup! Alright, let’s get this out of the way, because I don’t want to come across as unfair: we all know that a candidate can’t choose who supports them. That’s why I didn’t include former Grand Wizard of the KKK and Trump supporter David Duke here, because when the human embodiment of racial hatred says you’d be the best choice for President of the United States, that should in no way be a reflection of your character or rhetoric. In the same vein, it’s simple coincidence that the looniest and/or trolliest douchebags in all of sports and show business endorse The Donald, a man renowned for his humble restraint and serene diplomatic finesse. But, hey, I’m an absolute nut too, and I enjoy pissing people off just as much as this collection of obnoxious, attention-whoring assholes. I guess that’s it: I’ll do what the good assholes of America are doing and support Donald Trump for Prez in 2016. Make America Great Again, Assholes!
Vote for Donald Trump if: you’ve sniffed a stranger and/or used a racial slur in the past week.
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