Millennials are pretty terrible at dating. So terrible, in fact, that the exact same motion and thought process we put into accepting or denying a potential mate’s face on Tinder could get you a high score on Fruit Ninja. That’s pretty fucking sad. Luckily, the Internet, the Savior of Our Generation, is teeming with dating advice to guide us through the chaos that is modern romance. The only problem is that most of this advice seems to be written by Body Snatchers who have absolutely no idea what the concepts of “love,” “sex,” or “dating” actually are, but who write these pieces in the hopes of making a global invasion less of a hassle by ensuring the human race ceases to breed. These are just a few examples of horrible dating advice written by nefarious galactic squids concealed by husks of human dermis:
Date “someone who you know deep down is a terrible idea.”
As seen in:http://thoughtcatalog.com/sara-uzer/2015/04/5-mistakes-you-should-make-in-your-20s/
This is supposed to be a mistake we all make in our 20’s, but I’m puzzled by the complete abandonment of reason or logic when the author proposes that we actively seek to make it. Why would we do this? The instructions here are continue an on-and-off relationship that we know is either doomed or unfulfilling, because, once it’s finally over, your friends can say “I told you so”?
I know deep down that dating Lorena Bobbit would be a pretty terrible idea. I should totally hit that up.
To be fair, the author does make the argument that we should do this so we know what’s better for us next time, which is a lot like telling kids to play in traffic so they’ll know that getting hit by a car sucks. Also because it’s totes hard to block a number.
“Inspect each other for random ailments and random body hairs.”
As seen in: http://www.yourtango.com/2015266798/ten-weird-things-couples-do-that-are-actually-totally-normal
This author was incorrect in assuming I’d find this “totally strange,” because “totally strange” is a gross understatement in describing two people pretending to be medically-trained rhesus monkeys. Is this part of the author’s daily routine? Do she and her partner strip down to the nude every day at 7 PM, painstakingly inspect every inch of each other for half an hour, then tune in for Wheel of Fortune?Because they certainly don’t watch Jeopardy.
“Random body ailment” can range from a pimple on the shoulder to that mutant growth from Total Recall, neither of which will I be purposely searching for on a woman’s body. So what exactly are we looking for, and why? And what is the appropriate response to finding one of these prized “random body hairs”? I’m assuming there’s either a massive celebration after finding one, making the author and her partner the most easily entertained people in all of history, or just an utter feeling of disgust, obliterating any chances of sex for the night.
“Always pick the funny guy over the hot guy”
As seen in: http://elitedaily.com/dating/why-the-funny-guy-beats-the-hot-guy-every-time/995281/
This is less an article than it is an extensive list of rejected Fortune Cookie platitudes. The momentous task of constructing an entire paragraph was too daunting for this author, making her the perfect person to be telling you who to date and why. The greatest accomplishment here was typing so many words with a keyboard heavily soaked in drool.
This kind of advice is terrible since it completely dismisses the possibility that men can have anything more than the two traits of humor and hotness. No ambition? Meh. Emotionally stunted? No big deal. Your boyfriend could be an abusive necrophiliac, but as long as he can tell a good knock-knock joke, he’s a keeper. If he’s also hot? NEVER LET HIM GO.
But surely we need some measure of what makes a funny dude, so which comedians does the author specifically name? Jim Carey and Bill Hader. Of all the great comedians of our time, these two are what this author finds wildly attractive and hilarious. Quick, name two brands of soda off the top of your head! If you said “Welch’s Grape Soda and Mr. Pibb,” you are the author of this article.
“Upload new music to your honey’s iPod and new books to his/her Kindle.”
As seen in: http://www.yourtango.com/200923641/relationships-and-technology-dos-and-donts
Granted, there are very few ways to better show your boundless love than deleting the songs and books your boyfriend or girlfriend carefully chose to make room for your superior taste in music and literature. Nothing says “she’s the girl for me” like mysteriously finding all my Queen albums have been deleted and replaced with a shitload of Celine Dion, Michael Buble, and Hozier.
The author of this gem even claims that “new tunes and words will be a sweet surprise and will show that you’ve been thinking of them while they were away.” Because that’s how we all felt when Apple pulled this exact fucking stunt with that godawful U2 album, right?
If anything, this is a far better prank than it is a sign of affection. I suggest deleting everything on your honey’s media device and syncing a thirty-hour loop of Nicki Minaj’s “Stupid Hoe.”
When Giving BJ’s, “Make It Wet”
As seen in: http://thoughtcatalog.com/sean-jameson/2015/04/suck-some-d/
The author of this article, Sean Jameson, apparently gets paid to write about getting good head. No one knows why, including Sean himself, as he’s so preoccupied with coming up with cute euphemisms for blowjobs that the rest of his brain has ceased to function. The government sends me disability checks just for sharing the same heritage and first name as Sean Jameson.
Anyway, among his various pearls of wisdom on how women should better serve their man’s skinflute, this one isn’t “bad”, per say. I’m including it here because I just don’t live in the same dimension of cactus-tongued, sand-eating beasts as Jameson obviously does to leave him in perpetual fear of the
Dune horrors he might mouth-bone.
I can’t imagine how romantic the ladies must find this guy when he meekly goes, “Excuse me, miss? Would you so terribly mind producing more saliva? The moisture level seems to be lower than average, because it’s just not working for me. No, no, it has nothing to do with me being Irish. This is on you. Trust me, I write for YourTango.”
According to Jameson, the best thing to do if you don’t produce the salivation levels of a Saint Bernard is to start ingesting lube. Copious amounts of lube, because any man would totally ingest some suspect chemical substance for you…too? Jameson is so terrified and distrustful of the female oral cavity that he tells women to alternatively use whipped cream or syrup to alleviate their Gobi-mouthed sacrilege, but since women obviously can’t differentiate a penis from a snack, he immediately follows it with “4. No Teeth!”
Please, do your part in saving humanity from the threat of annihilation. Stop sharing dating articles like these.
Latest posts by Sean Curtis (see all)
- Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom: You Can Clone Dinosaurs But Not A Good Movie - June 27, 2018
- Trump Won The Election and Here Is Why People Are Terrified - November 9, 2016
- Dear Ideal Conceal Smartphone Gun - April 3, 2016